Note: This takes place roughly after Ceresth's flight in Monaco Bay Weyr…
Outside, the sky has barely begun to lighten with dawn still candlemarks away. In that stillness of pre-dawn, Kiena wakes. It’s a slow and calm way she wakes and in the semi-darkness of the little room she blinks her eyes, hardly stirring and her thoughts are swift to gather.
She — no, they — are in Monaco Bay. Kiena is aware of Mur’dah’s presence, the warmth of his body pressed close to hers as they lay curled and nestled to each other in the bed. She remembers the flight, gold Ceresth’s and Kalsuoth’s attempt to chase that first brought them here, but that is not what her thoughts focus on. Carefully turning her head, so cautious as not to disturb him, she’ll fondly watch him sleep, only able to discern some of his features in the faint, weak light filtering into the room. What catches her by surprise, as she rests there in the quiet, is that she realizes she’s calm and relaxed. It wasn’t anxiety or troubled thoughts that woke her this time.
So this is happiness then. Kiena thinks to herself and has to quickly keep herself from laughing out loud from a sudden surge of giddiness. Just the thought of her, being giddy like some young, naive girl doesn’t help her trying to temper her amusement but she keeps it contained so as not to disturb Mur’dah. Slowly, gradually, she sobers again and her thoughts settle. She’s happy. Actually happy! It should trouble her with how alien that concept seems to her but she shakes that thought off too. Why does it matter anymore?
Past is past. I can’t keep letting it control me. Wise words but difficult to follow. Even now, Kiena can feel the fear and anxieties nibbling away at that happiness. Always lurking, always waiting to draw her back into that downwards spiral. Ujinath usually keeps her from going too far but even the blue can’t always be so vigilant and Kiena has learned a few tricks to shield against him. Not that she does that now but like Mur’dah, the blue is deep asleep. So she is alone with her thoughts but not alone. Never alone, anymore.
She is happy. Happy, but scared. Weyrmating is a big step and not one Kiena ever thought she’d be doing again. Not after the first time… Kiena is quick to shut down those memories. No. No, she won’t go down those paths either. That part of her life is gone and past and long overdue to be buried. Never quite forgotten, but not to be a ruling factor to her life. Again, her eyes drift to Mur’dah as he sleeps on beside her and a small smile plays upon her lips. It’ll be different this time. It will be better. Mur’dah is a different man, their relationship built upon a strong friendship.
Kiena’s brows knit in a small frown as one old worry surfaces. Mur’dah is young, quite young, but she has mulled over that concern long before. It didn’t bother her then and why should it now? He’s a grown man, he can make his own decisions — and he chose her. What is there wrong with that? Quietly she sighs, careful to keep it low. I shouldn’t be feeling happy but scared. Still nursing these stupid fears. Why can’t she just bury the past for good? Why do her old wounds still surface, even now, when moments before she was almost giddy with laughter for the happiness of being weyrmated again almost overtook her?
Kiena mulls those thoughts over in her mind, only to realize then that she’s aware of those old wounds, those darker and painful memories but there’s a change in them. They don’t hurt her. There is no sting of shame and guilt and long repressed anger and hurt. She’s healing, because of him and that single thought there has her loving Mur’dah all the more in that instance, even though he remains oblivious to that fact.
He’s always been there for me. Kiena has always been aware of this, has always known it. Mur’dah was always the friend she could turn to and trust, no matter how insignificant the issue seemed to be. He was always there for her, even when others failed to be despite the words of friendship and empty claims to be there, to help her, in her time of need. Even when he was at his lowest point, he reached out to me… She will never forget it, either.
If he hadn’t reached for me then, out on the cliffs, I’d have shut myself off from everyone. He didn’t have to. Not with the grief and loss he was trying to overcome. Yet he was the only one. The only one who cared to notice, aside from Soriana and Darsce… She closes her eyes, collecting herself again before she’s swept too far into those memories. Those memories are also in the past now, bittersweet in the sense that they marked a turning point. An important one, shared only between them and for that reason she cherishes it. Who else needs to know? Who else cares?
If this is happiness, is what she feel love then? Kiena is certain of it. It’s love, not lust. Not a fickle love either, born of fleeting emotions. In the pre-dawn gloom, she searches her thoughts, deep down, seeking out those doubts and finds none. Not a single tremor. Faranth. I’m in love. In love with him! Once more her fears surge and she has to wrestle them back down and fight back all the anxieties with it. Her hands twitch under the covers, then curl tightly and she fights the urge to reach out and touch Mur’dah, to reassure herself that it’s true and that he’s real and this isn’t all some dream sent to torture her. Loving him, loving anyone like this makes her feel so vulnerable. Aside from Ujinath, she has never let someone in so deep. She has been burned before. Badly burned. I thought I had learned from that…
No. She refuses to be alone anymore. She doesn’t want to be alone anymore. Just her and Ujinath. She wants that human connection now too.
He’s worth the risk. She decides and another smile curves her lips. Oh yes, he is worth everything. This time she does chuckle under her breath and she can feel sleep tugging at her again, eyes growing heavy. She loves Mur’dah, she has accepted to be his weyrmate. He chose her. She can finally be happy again.
She let him go once and she’s not going to let him go again.
It is time that she let go of the past.
She has found happiness with him.